I have been off the radar for over a month and I can feel it and I don't like it. I miss writing online as weird as it is. I do enjoy it. Must be the 14 year old nerd in me who liked writing in her diary.
On the 27th November, I moved and I've been adjusting to that change over the last few weeks. I havent felt like writing (or drawing) because the change has catapulted me into the unknown and at times back to parts of me I thought were long gone. The stressy parts and the panic parts, the worrying about things part. All totally normal of course in this situation, but I'm far too hard on myself which resulted in being upset about being upset (ridiculous). I think I've experienced incredible clarity over this last year and I've never felt more at peace than these last few months. This change took me out of that bubble and it sucked. The good thing though is Im much more aware of myself, I can see myself over reacting and I just ride it out. Its taken a month and now things are calming down and I'm returning to my normal self. Normal service will return soon. Phew! I think the brain is a funny thing - I think its an art form to be able to deal with many different things at once and not over react. Not only that, but its amazing how much GUILT I can generate over things. Totally self imposed guilt. I remember when I was studying and the best teacher I've ever had and now good friend took me to Park Hill Park (the park in the last blog) and we walked and walked. I'd had a bad day and it was her way of putting my mind back into perspective and getting some air. We sat down on a bench and she said "Natasha, you are holding a big stick and you are whipping yourself with it. Stop it." So spot on, No one has ever punished me as much as I punish myself. I have a lot of guilt about leaving my mum, too much. So much so I think it held me back a bit. The guilt is getting smashed though and now is a new chapter.
Anyway here are a few things over the last month:
I have a new art table (helpfully set up by friends boyfriend Ciaran - thank you!) which I've set at the side of my new room by the window. It fits perfectly and adjusts up and down. I'm looking forward to using it and it has draws. Draws!
I'm amazingly 30 next month, I'm planning a gathering at the new flat in January and a big big party to celebrate my mothers 70th and my sisters 40th and my birthday. Like a massive CELEBRATION OF OUR LIVES. Oh dear no pressure then. I plan for it to be in May and I've already had a little bit of a clash situation stress with dates, but don't worry I slapped myself round the face about it and now its fine, its all fine. Can everyone please calm down! Also, Im not sad or upset about being 30. I am actually ready for it and looking forward to it. Probably an unusual response? I don't know.
I have been flu like ill for a week and still going to work, but I didnt want to miss the parties. I did think it was stress induced because I swear I was ill not too long ago, but I think commuting and working with sick people is probably the problem there. Only problem was I couldnt taste the work Christmas dinner which is a travesty.
We dressed our department up as The Land of Oz for the work Christmas comp and we won. People even dressed up as the characters.
I CAN ICE SKATE! Like a total twit, but I can do it, just about. I went to Somerset House and managed to not fall over and I was so layered up even if I had, I probably would of bounced OUT of Somerset House.
I saw Interpol and they were amazing. I had not listened to them for a long time properly, but seeing them live just bought back a zillion memories.
I can no longer watch the news for its fear mongery type nonsense. Once you notice it, thats it. This is due to its Snow coverage or should I say "SNOW CHAOS". Honestly.
I currently have no internet at the flat for the last week due to Sky issues and I havent killed anyone. Its a Christmas miracle *throws fairy dust*. I'm still managing to log on but don't ask me any questions.
Dave if you are reading this - MERRY CHRISTMAS on your travels. I hope you are ok over there and had a nice day yesterday, perhaps sat on a mountain top.
I haven't been drawing, but I knew I wouldnt for a bit. I plan too in the new year, its brewing...